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Teaching Friendship Starts with Executive Function, Not Social Skills
- Dr. Jamie
- Aug 12
- 5 min read
"He wants to play with other children... he just doesn't know how."
It's something I hear from parents all the time.
Contrary to outdated assumptions, many autistic children are interested in other people. They smile when siblings enter the room. They seek out familiar adults. They enjoy shared routines. They want to be included. They want to connect.
Yet, despite this desire for connection, they often struggle to develop and maintain friendships.
For years, we've approached this challenge by teaching "social skills."
We teach greetings.
We teach eye contact.
We teach conversation starters.
We teach turn taking.
We teach asking questions.
These skills certainly have value. But I would argue that we're often solving the wrong problem.
We've Been Asking the Wrong Question
Historically, intervention has often been built on the assumption that autistic children struggle socially because they lack social interest. If that's the problem, then the logical solution becomes:
Teach more social behaviors.
Teach greetings.
Teach conversation scripts.
Teach sharing.
Teach eye contact.
Teach social rules.
But what if the problem isn't a lack of social interest? What if the child already wants to connect?
What if the real challenge is that they lack the executive functioning skills needed to navigate the incredible complexity of social interaction? That shifts the entire conversation
Friendship Is One of the Most Complex Executive Functioning Tasks We Ever Perform
Think about what happens during five minutes of playground play.
A child has to:
Notice another child is available to play.
Decide whether to approach.
Initiate an interaction.
Read the other child's response.
Shift attention between toys and people.
Remember the play theme.
Wait for turns.
Generate new ideas.
Adapt when the other child changes the game.
Regulate disappointment.
Solve disagreements.
Inhibit impulsive responses.
Stay engaged despite uncertainty.
Continue participating even if something doesn't go as expected.
That's not simply "social skills."
That's executive functioning.
Every friendship depends on executive functioning.
Social Competence Isn't About Knowing the Rules
Knowing that you're "supposed to take turns" doesn't automatically mean you can inhibit your impulse to grab the toy.
Knowing that you're "supposed to ask questions" doesn't mean you can think of one while simultaneously listening, remembering the conversation, regulating excitement, and deciding what to say next.
Social competence is far more than social knowledge.
It's the ability to coordinate dozens of executive functioning processes simultaneously.
Many Autistic Children Don't Lack Interest
They Lack the "Know-How"
One of the biggest misconceptions in autism intervention is assuming that reduced participation always reflects reduced motivation.
Parents often describe something very different.
Their child watches other children.
Their child wants to join.
Their child enjoys people.
But when they attempt to participate, things fall apart. Not because they don't care.
Because the demands exceed their current executive functioning abilities. Consider some common challenges.
A child wants to join a game but can't figure out how to enter ongoing play.
Another becomes upset when peers change the rules because flexibility is difficult.
Another interrupts repeatedly because inhibiting responses is still developing.
Another walks away because maintaining shared attention is exhausting.
Another struggles to continue after a disagreement because emotional regulation is overwhelmed.
Those aren't simply missing social skills. They're executive functioning challenges expressed in social contexts.
Executive Function Is the Engine Behind Social Participation
When we strengthen executive functioning, we aren't abandoning social development.
We're supporting the very systems that make social participation possible.
Executive functioning allows children to:
notice social opportunities,
initiate interactions,
remember conversations,
wait for turns,
tolerate uncertainty,
shift perspectives,
solve social problems,
regulate emotions,
persist after mistakes,
and adapt to changing situations.
In other words, executive functioning is the "how" behind successful friendships.
We Should Stop Teaching Social Behaviors in Isolation
This doesn't mean social skills aren't important. They absolutely are. But teaching isolated social behaviors without addressing the executive functioning that supports them is like teaching someone to recite music without ever helping them hear rhythm.
Children may learn the behavior. But they often struggle to use it naturally. Instead of asking:
"How do I teach this child to say hello?"
Perhaps we should ask:
Can they sustain shared attention?
Can they tolerate waiting?
Can they shift between ideas?
Can they recover after disappointment?
Can they generate a new play idea?
Can they remember the play theme?
Can they solve simple social problems?
Those are the skills that make greetings meaningful.
Play Is Executive Function Practice
This is one reason Naturalistic Developmental Behavioral Interventions (NDBI) are so powerful. During shared play, children aren't just practicing communication. They're practicing executive functioning.
When a child expands a pretend play theme…
They're practicing flexibility.
When they wait for the next verse of a song…
They're practicing inhibition.
When they remember what happens next in a Joint Activity Routine…
They're strengthening working memory.
When they continue building after the tower falls...
They're developing persistence.
When they recover after another child changes the game…
They're strengthening emotional regulation.
Play isn't separate from executive functioning. It's one of its richest practice environments.
The Goal Isn't Better Social Performance
It's Better Social Participation. There is an important difference. Social performance focuses on whether children perform expected social behaviors.
Social participation focuses on whether children can meaningfully engage with other people. One emphasizes outward behavior. The other emphasizes relationships.
Parents rarely tell me, "I hope my child masters greetings."
They say:
"I hope they have a friend."
"I hope they enjoy birthday parties."
"I hope they can play with their cousins."
"I hope they feel included."
Those outcomes require much more than teaching social rules. They require building the executive functioning systems that support real-world relationships
A Different Way Forward
Perhaps it's time to stop asking whether autistic children are interested in other people.
Instead, let's ask whether we've provided enough support for the executive functioning skills that allow those interests to become successful relationships. Because many autistic children aren't struggling because they don't want friends. They're struggling because friendships are among the most cognitively demanding activities we ask young children to do. When we recognize that, our intervention priorities change.
We spend less time teaching isolated social behaviors and more time strengthening attention, flexibility, regulation, working memory, initiation, persistence, shared engagement, and problem solving.
Those aren't just executive functioning skills. They're the developmental foundations of connection. And perhaps the best social skills intervention isn't teaching more social skills at all. Perhaps it's helping children develop the executive functioning "know-how" that allows friendships to grow naturally.
Check out some of our resources that can help support social engagement for young autistic children.
Spend less time writing goals and more time building meaningful social connections.
Use children's natural play patterns as the foundation for joyful, relationship-based learning and engagement.
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